Guidelines for Enlightenment
by Swami Beyondananda
 
 1. Be a Fundamentalist--make sure the Fun always comes before 
    the mental.  Realize that life is a situation comedy that 
    will never be canceled.  A laugh track has been provided, 
    and the reason why we are put in the material world is to 
    get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and 
    that will ensure regular hilarity.
 
 2. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision.
    That is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision 
    to me.  That way, if we don't like the programming we're 
    getting, we can simply change the channel.
 
 3. Life is like photography.  You use the negative to develop.
 
 4. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts,
    thought particles tend to get caught between the ears, 
    causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use 
    mentalfloss twice a day.  And when you're tempted to practice 
    tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami's Absurdiveness 
    Training class: *Don't get even, get odd.* 
 
 5. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments 
    and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, 
    you no mad at me.  That way, there'll surely be nomadness 
    on the planet.  And peace begins with each of us. A little 
    peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces 
    will fit together to make one big peace everywhere. 
 
 6. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, 
    so if you're looking to void earthquakes, my advice is simple. 
    When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it.
 
 7. There's no need to change the world.  All we have to do is 
    toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it 
    again.
 
 8. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have 
    some bad news and some good news.  The bad news is, there 
    is no key to the Universe.  The good news is, it has been 
    left unlocked.
 
 9. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift, just 
    for entering - so you are already a winner!
 
10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled.  That way, 
    if you don't like it, it's not my fault.  And remember, 
    enlightenment is not a bureaucracy so we don't have to go 
    through channels.
 
By Swami Beyondananda